Dear Mommy,

Hello... I know it's been a really long time since I wrote you last but I guess I'm used to not talking to you anymore so I've just been keeping to myself. I occasionally have a breakdown to Nathan or my therapist but that's about it. I still miss you more than ever, though. So don't think I just forgot about you because that's literally impossible. There hasn't been much going on... I did find out that Aunt Karen and Mamaw are coming to visit with Sharon Ratliff this Wednesday! I'm so excited! I think it'll be good for Mamaw to get out and clear her mind from missing you. Even though I'm pretty sure she'll have a few "moments" while she's here.... I have pictures of you every where so that might trigger her tears but who knows! I am so excited for them to meet Mya. and in a few weeks, Carrie will be here!!!!!!!! The only thing missing...... is you...... I'm so sad that I never got to give you a tour of Kansas and everything there is to not do while you're here :) I still think about you 23735687454 times a day. Everything I do reminds me of you. I cry like a baby every time I watch Rookie Blue. two weeks ago , Jerry died and you loved his character! It was soo sad. I cried because I knew you would have cried too LOL. I've been cooking a lot of home-made stuff lately and I know you would have been so proud of me. I made your enchaladas with my home made tortillas and O.M.G they were delicious! I got Noah's birthday presents in the mail today and it's killing me that I can't give them to him yet. I can't wait to see his face when he opens all of his yo gabba gabba presents. I'll take a lot of pictures during his birthday weekend... I just wish you could see them! Oh, I ordered Mya some new diapers too :) They are soo cute! There's a jean looking one, an elephant one, and a flower/butterfly one (and it's green!) We went shopping at JCP this past week and got soooooooo many cute outfits for both kids for next summer! 21 outfits for only $71!! Nathan, Noah, and Mya are all napping right now but I had a big cup of iced coffee this morning so I'm not really tired, just bored. Well, I'm going to go clean up a little bit and get ready for Aunt Karen and Mamaw... I love you so much Mommy... forever....

Love, Kansas

Dear Mom,

Hi Mommy... So, I cut my first cantaloupe this morning and I wanted to call you so bad and tell you how good it was. I miss going to the Farmers Market and picking out fresh fruit and vegetables with you... Mmm, and getting our cinnamon roasted walnuts and that yummy ice cream.... I was thinking this morning about what I'd say to you if I could have you back for one more day. I would let you know how amazing your grandbabies are. Noah's 100% potty trained and we are all loving it. He hasn't worn a diaper in a couple of months now! I would tell you all about Mya and how big she's getting and how much you would love her. She's such a happy girl and she smiles ALL of the time! Her and Noah always giggle in their sleep too.... I bet you have something to do with that :) I would hug you as much as I could and tell you 'i love you' every ten seconds because I never want you to forget how much I love and care about you, still. I'd tell you about all of the new and healthy meals I've been cooking and all of the new cookies we've bought :P I'd tell you our plans for Noah's second birthday. (Which we are all very excited for!) I'd tell you how sucky the Fourth of July was without you.... How Carrie's coming to visit in September and she'll be alone because it was supposed to be the both of you coming :/ I'd tell you how much Nathan keeps rearranging the house and it's driving me nuts lol! ....How sad and miserable we all are because you're gone now......... But most importantly, I'd keep telling you 'I love you.' I miss our phone calls and you always saying 'love you too Morgie.' That was always my favorite thing to hear you say..... Well, I'm going to go take a nap with the kiddos and Nathan. I love you forever, Mommy.

Love, Kansas

Dear Mom,

So, I went to my first counseling session today and it was okay, wasn't what I was expecting but it's helping just a bit. I've been looking into the '7 Stages of Grief' and I've gotten through the first 4, even though I keep going back to denial :/ I'm looking forward to the 5th step which is 'The Upward Turn' but i'm not sure it's coming any time soon. I'm still in the process of realizing you're gone and I don't want to admit it to anyone... My next session is next Friday......... Guess what? FURBIES are coming back out! Now if only you were here to buy me one LOL. I have no clothes that fit me :( My butt got ridiculously huge after having Mya and I can't fit it in any of my pants. My waist is the same but my butt is too big. I have all of your old clothes here but they are just a few sizes too big :( We're about to go out to look at curtains for the living room. I bought some picture frames last night at Target and we're in the process of decorating the house. I have your shelf and pictures to put up but I can't find a good picture of you and Noah to fit in the frame. I think we're going to get green curtains but I'm not sure yet, whatever Nathan decides but green is my choice :) It reminds me of you since it was your favorite color. Oh, I got a double cheeseburger and sweet tea from McDonalds today. It was the first time since you've been gone that I got either one and I needed it. It really reminded me of you and it was a good reminder :) Alright, well, we're about to head out so I'll talk to you soon. I miss and love you Mommy.

Love, Kansas

Dear Mom,

Hiya! We went to a play date this morning and had so much fun! The girls there were so sweet and their kids played so well with Noah... We were there for almost 3 hours and Noah is wore out! I really needed some girl talk and he needed some play time since it's way too hot to do anything outside. So, we finally went grocery shopping last night and we have enough food for like the next month! It's about time :) I had a hot pocket, dorritos, and some yummy coconut cookies for lunch. I'm planning to make home made chocolate chips cookies soon so I'll let you know how they turn out. It's almost Mackenzie's birthday and I sent her box out the other day so it's supposed to arrive at Carrie's today... I'm hoping we can skype saturday when she opens her presents! I want to see her face... I am still so sad I can't be there but there's no way we can make it out in time :( Carrie said she's planning on taking her to get a mani/pedi! I know she'll love that. I miss our mani/pedi dates... I don't think I'll be able to go again until Mya is old enough and I can take her as my buddy (even though she can't pay for me like you did hehe.) Well, the kids are asleep and I'm super exhausted so I'm going to go lay down with them. Sorry this post is so short! I love you, Mommy.

Love, Kansas

Dear Mom,

Hi! Sorry, again, that I haven't written in a few days. This past weekend was so hectic and this week has been crazy so far. Noah fell on the concrete yesterday and ended up with a concussion... But he's okay now. His head has a HUGE bump and his ear is swollen and bruised but he's fine. Dad's blood pressure has been sky high too so I've been worrying about him. Uncle Brian is taking him to the ER later today so I'll let you know how it goes (please keep an eye on him, Mom, I can't lose Dad, too.) ... We were supposed to go grocery shopping yesterday but we sat in the ER for almost 3 hours so we just came home and relaxed which means we have to go tonight. I had a mini break down yesterday in the car. I wanted to call you so bad but I couldn't and that made me cry even harder and then nobody was answering their phone to talk to me :( But I'm okay today, still a little shook up from Noah's fall. I have my first grief-counseling / anxiety appointment this Friday and I'm anxious about it LOL. That's terrible. I hope it helps because I'm getting desperate for some relief. So, there's a funeral home in Junction City and we drive by it on our way to wal-mart... I used to freak out because you know I hate that stuff but now I'm not really afraid anymore. I guess since your funeral, those things are just normal to me now. And I guess that's a good thing. I am still paranoid and anxious during the day when I'm by myself with the kids though. I hope that goes away some after this Friday.... I got some donuts yesterday and I just brought one upstairs and I sat on it and all of the creme filling came out! So, I licked it off the napkin HAHA!! I know you would have done the same thing :P Mya is getting so chunky, Mom. You should see how much she's grown. I was just looking back at pictures from when she was born and she was SO TINY! She's almost doubled her birth weight! She has her 2-month well baby appointment next Wednesday (your day off from work.) Too bad you can't go with me like you did when Noah got his first shots :( Well, I am really tired... Mya's been sleeping from about 9:30-5 pm but then she's up every hour after that and it makes me really tired AND I'm out of coffee. So I think I'm going to go lay down with Noah and take a cat nap. I love you, Mommy.

Love, Kansas

Dear Mom,


Hi Mommy.. Sorry it's been a few days since I've wrote to you but I've been kind of mad. Everything is just catching up with me and I haven't really been in the mood to talk to anyone. This week went by pretty fast. I had my six week check up on Wednesday and everything is good! My midwives love Mya! They always tell me how good of a job I did and that makes me happy :) ... I went to the doctor today too because my ankle was still hurting and I have tendinitis and I have to wear this big huge, ugly, uncomfortable walking boot. It's a pain! But I guess as long as it helps me feel better.... I also gave in and I'm going to see a therapist next week. I feel like I failed myself and I'm not grieving the way I should be. I don't know, it's complicated. I've been so mad this past week and nothing is really helping make it better so hopefully this helps. I'll let you know how it goes. I get 12 sessions and medicine is my last resort, you know how I feel about that.......... This morning, I realized I'm almost out of K-Cups and pay day isn't until next Tuesday and I'm very sad! I've been drinking Coconut Mocha and it is de-lish! You would love it! It tastes just like the Starbucks frappuccino that I always get. Mya and Noah are doing well. Noah's been a butt today and hasn't listened since Nathan got home. It's like all of his good behavior went out the window! Mya went with me to the doctor today and she slept the whole time! She's such a good baby. She also slept 11 straight hours two nights ago and then 9 hours last night! But for some reason, I still can't sleep... That's one of the reasons I'm going to a therapist is because of my nightmares. They are just insane, I can't handle it anymore and I want them GONE, NOW. Carrie has been working all day so I haven't talked to her and Dad hasn't called me... I wait for his phone call because talking to him makes me miss you even more so we don't talk as often as we should and I don't want to tell him that because it will make him sad. Uncle Brian calls me a few times a week if I don't call him first and usually I'll talk to Dad afterwards. Mackenzie is getting so big! Uncle Brian sends me pictures all the time... She's almost FOUR! I can't believe it... and I also can't believe Noah is almost two. So ridiculous. OH, I watched Paula Deen make a peanut butter parfait earlier and O-M-G it looked so good! So I think I'm going to make them except with Nutella because we can't obviously can't have peanuts in the house. I don't know why but I'm just so irritable today and it's driving me crazy. I just want to feel good for once. I think I need more play dates for Noah and more girl chat for me. We don't get out much anymore because it's exhausting getting all 3 of us ready to go somewhere, but I need to get out at least a few times a week. And it's just been SO dang hot, you can't even walk out of the front door without breaking a sweat. Guess what? I won these Jamberry Nail Sheilds on facebook today. I remember telling you about them a few months back and you said you wanted to try them so I'll let you know how they go! I'm really excited. I think that was the highlight of my day. I was super happy that I won. Mom, I'm really sad that you're gone. This week has just sucked, seriously. Nothing bad has happened here but it's the way I feel. I'm NOT depressed, just frustrated. It's kind of annoying too because I can't really control it. Well, I'm really tired so I'm going to go lay down with Mya. I love you so much Mommy.

Love, Kansas

from the past...

Dear Mom,

Hi! So, I've been thinking... There's a lot of people up there in Heaven, right? Have you met your other grand baby? ... I know we never really told anyone about it but I just wanted to know. Please tell him/her Mommy says hi and i love him/her. He/She should be a little over 2 now! You can pick their name if you like... Remember when we found out I was pregnant and I was so afraid to tell you because I didn't want you to disown me? LOL. I remember Dad taking me to the doctor after work one day because I was having stomach pains and they told me I was 10 weeks pregnant! When I got home, I called Carrie and told her and she cried and told me to tell you ASAP! So then I called you on the phone from upstairs and told you to come up so I could tell you something and when you walked in I was crying my butt off and you looked at me and said "Morgan Nicole, are you pregnant?" HAH! Mom knows best! I told you to tell Dad and Uncle Brian and then I was too afraid to come downstairs and talk to them. Even though they both ended up happy and not mad at me or Nathan! .................. Then a couple weeks later, Carrie got me from work early because I started bleeding and we all went to the E.R. It was you, me, Nathan, dad, and Nathan's mom and we waited for 8 whole hours before they saw me. The doctors did an ultrasound and a bunch of tests and then told us that the baby didn't make it but it was very common.... Hell, I didn't even know what a miscarriage WAS until then! It was a little surreal and it still feels like a distant nightmare today. So I had to have surgery done a few days later and I ended up being 12 weeks pregnant then. I remember the morning of my surgery I stubbed my toe and knocked my toenail all the way off and broke my toe! I couldn't even walk in the hospital, haha! You, me, and Nathan all drove there in his car and got me all set up for surgery.... I have no idea how long I was in there but I remember I couldn't eat that entire morning and when I got out of surgery, you and Nathan smelt like coffee and cinnamon rolls. Hmm, wonder what you guys did?! But you both were there as soon as I woke up. You, Mom, helped me out of bed and helped me change my clothes while Nathan got the car and then we left. I was super drugged up and don't really remember much. As soon as we got home, you and dad helped me down the stairs and then you helped me while I threw up :( I was really sick after that... The point of telling the story is that YOU were there with me through the second most difficult time of my life. You helped me and supported me with every thing that happened, even though I'm sure you weren't the happiest at times. You left work for me when I needed help, you stayed up all night with me while I cried. You were always the shoulder I needed to lean on and you wiped my tears when they were falling......... So, if you ever get a chance, I don't know how you find people up there or what not, but tell my Baby I said hi, please. Give me some sign if it's a boy or a girl. I hope you guys have fun together and I hope you enjoy watching him/her grow up. I love you, Mommy.

Love, Kansas