Dear Mom,


Hi. The kids are sleeping so I'll let you know the rest of how I've been feeling... Well, after I got that terrible phone call saying you were gone, I cried. and cried, and cried, and cried some more. Poor Noah knew I was sad and he kept hugging me and kissing me. Nathan was the best support I could have asked for that day, too. As soon as I calmed down and talked to the family about arrangements for you, I looked up how we were going to get back home. Well, since Noah and I had just flew the previous week to see you, we had decided to drive this time. Flying 36 weeks pregnant with a toddler was NOT a good time, even though Noah was a perfect child the whole way, it was stressful. So, we rented a car and packed enough snacks, blankets, pillows, toys, and entertainment for FOUR people for two weeks. Nathan and I were both so nervous that Mya would decide to make her appearance on the road (thank goodness she didn't!) But we packed for her just in case. I was supposed to go in for my OB check up on a Wednesday (we needed to leave on Tuesday...) So I had to make a LOT of phone calls to get an appointment on Monday and let me tell you, that was not easy or fun! I had to sweet talk my doctor into letting me drive but I told her it didn't matter if she said yes or no because I was going anyways... She eventually said go at my own risk because of the circumstances. But I could have just heard you then "Morgan Nicole! You better not come see me! Take care of that baby and stay home!" Mom, I want you to know, if I would have died, I would have wanted you to come see me, pregnant or not LOL. So at 4 am bright and early on Tuesday morning, we ventured off to West Virginia. It was honestly the least anticipated trip home that we've ever made. I thought about you the whole way there... was there something I could have done to help, to make you better even? Every time we'd turn on the radio, there was a song that reminded me of you. My favorite is that "How Bizarre" song that you always did your stupid old lady dance to and sing at the top of your lungs. I would do anything to hear you sing that again, too. The trip was a good one, under the circumstances. Every time we saw a hospital sign, Nathan would yell "How's your contractions? are you in labor? need to go to the hospital?" in case you didn't know, there's a ton of hospitals between here and WV... OH, forgot to tell you, we got to Kansas City to eat breakfast (guess where? :) ) and I realized I forgot my wallet and my dear friend, Sandra, over-nighted it to Carrie's house....... I know, it's usually Nathan that forgets his wallet :P We got to MawMaw's house and Aunt Pammie was snoring away (it was around midnight your time,) and Aunt Karen, Sharon, and MawMaw were all awake and we looked at the pictures they picked out for your funeral. They were great memories to reminisce on. Really great memories, Mom. The next day, Carrie, Uncle Brian. me, Dad, Sharon, Karen, and Veronica all went to WayBright to pick out your casket. I found one online that I really liked the day before and that's the one you got. I hope you like it since you're using it for the rest of forever :P It was really hard being there just knowing you were in the same place but I couldn't hug you or talk to you like I'd normally do when I saw you... The day of your funeral was an extra tough day. I was so nervous to see you because you know I didn't like funerals to begin with, all that stuff freaks me out. When Carrie, Brian, Dad, and I all got there, we walked in and the director told us where you were. We walked over and looked at all of your photos and we all cried and got a good chuckle out of a few of them... I peeked in the room you were in and my heart just dropped. Never in my life had I imagine MY Mother laying in a casket, NEVER.  It was like a nightmare I would never wake up from. After we were all done looking at pictures, we held hands and walked up to you and just cried. Our family is made of the strongest people I know and that day, the strongest people I knew were also the most vulnerable people I knew. I've never seen so much emotion and tears and sadness in one room before... Mom, you were beautiful. You always have been. You were dressed in a green jacket and skirt with a really pretty scarf around your neck. The sisters and Carrie picked it out. You were wearing a sister and a daughter bracelet from the Sisters and MawMaw and PawPaw, and the Pandora bracelet from Carrie, and the final touch was Aunt Sharon's wig, your favorite one. The directors painted your nails a very pretty pink, one you would've picked out when we got pedicures together. Your hands were laying together on the middle of your stomach, your right fingers were right on top of your left ones.... There was a lot of people there, Mom. Your old high school friends, and Trace Fork friends, and of course, the Family...... Dave Fields did your little ceremony thing (i forgot what it's called.) and it was perfect. Uncle David sang the song "I'll Sure Miss You" and every single word was exactly how we all felt and still feel to this day. Noah laughed the entire time sitting in Nathan's lap... We know you were doing something crazy to make him that way but whatever makes you happy :) After Dave Fields was done and everyone left, we got to say our final "See You Later." I held your hand. It was so cold, Mom, and you hated being cold. I wish I could have just given you a blanket and watch you cover up and saw "brr, i'm freezing!" like you always did. I told you I loved you so many times and I would take care of your grand babies and I asked you to please watch over us and I really didn't want to let you go... I was the last one to walk away and I cried so hard knowing it was the last time I would have seen your face. Gosh, Mom, I miss you so much I don't even know what to do. It's so hard writing this because I've never talked about it before so I'm crying just as hard as I was that day but I know writing about it will eventually help me. They Guys carried you to the Hurse and we all followed you down Trace Fork... As we were driving, every single car in Ripley pulled over and stopped and the men took off their hats like royalty was driving by, and to me, you are royalty. That was the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life... As we were driving down Trace Fork and passing MawMaw's house, it started raining and then it stopped as soon as we got passed.... We parked at Mount Hope and Mom, I had to pee SO bad (I was 36 weeks pregnant!) You would be so proud of me because I popped a squat and peed in the woods! HAHA!! I can't believe I wrote that.. Your grave site was all set up for you so we all sat down and Uncle David sang again, "Go Rest High" and it was just as beautiful as the previous song. We all got flowers from your bouquet and they were so beautiful. They matched your outfit and scarf perfectly. (Thanks to Evergreen!) I've never seen anyone cry so hard like Uncle Brian did at your grave site. Dave even hugged him! We all walked up and kissed your casket goodbye... I looked around and then asked "Was that her head?" Low and behold, I kissed your butt LOL. So i went and kissed the right end and Noah came up and then smacked you and said "OW!" (Little brat!) I didn't want to leave but we had to.... I hate knowing you're in WV and it's so far away. I wish I could see you every day and bring double cheeseburgers and sweet tea. But next time we go to WV, you know I'll be there 24/7 so make sure you clean up and look nice for me :) You know, everyone always says that you're in a better place now because you're no longer suffering from the pain but you know what I think? The best place for you is at home, in your rocking chair, with all of your grand babies eating cheetos and drinking soda. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad you're not in pain anymore, Mom, but I would do anything to get you back home with these kids. They miss you more than anyone will ever know. Just the other day, Mackenzie asked Dad "pop pop, whens nana coming home?" and he said you weren't coming home and she replied "well, that's just insane!" this girl is crazy, she misses you so much.

well, I think that's enough crying for me for one day. every thing else is falling apart today so I'd better go lay down with my muchkins and cuddle them up. I love you so very much Mommy.

Love, Kansas