Dear Mom,


Hi. I really miss you today. Some days are worse than others... I guess I'll start from the phone call I got since I never really got to tell you how I felt. I remember you kept needing to go to the hospital because you weren't feeling well and I hated that I wasn't there to take you or hold your hand when you needed me... We were at WalMart when Carrie called me and her exact words were "Morgan, I don't want you to worry or freak out so promise me you won't... We just found out Mom has leukemia." .............. I'm sorry, what? My Mom? Leukemia? Cancer? WHY? Tears immediately started falling down my cheeks. I didn't even know what to say, what to think. That was the second worst phone call I had ever received... If I thought that was bad, I had no idea what was coming a few weeks later. As soon as I got home, I looked up plane tickets to fly out to see you. We had enough money in savings to fly out even though you got REALLY mad at me when I told you we were coming. "Morgan Nicole! I'll be fine. You don't need to come and see me! Save that damn money!" ..what I would do to hear you yell at me like that one more time.. So, about a week later, we flew out to see you. You had no idea what day we were coming either, which made your reaction even better. Noah and I rented a car so we could drive that long hour back and forth every day for 8 days, and we did. When I walked into your hospital room, your face just lit up! Almost like it did when we surprised you in August for Mack's birthday. You couldn't talk or move much but I made sure I gave you the biggest hug I could, without hurting you. I remember "Hi Wanda!" and you replied "Hi Morgan!" Just like we did on the phone. As soon as I saw you, I just wanted to scream and cry and take all of your pain away. but I couldn't. I had to stay strong and not show you my emotions. I stayed with you as long as Noah would let me.... The third day we were there, the nurses let Mackenzie and Noah dress up in scrubs and stand outside your window to see you. You looked like the happiest-sick woman on the planet when you saw them. I only wish you could have hugged them and kissed them one last time.... well, my week went by fast and our last day there, I sat with you and held your hand while you got your bone marrow biopsy done. Mom, you have no IDEA how bad I wanted to jump in your bed and trade places with you. I have never seen anyone in so much pain before, especially the strongest woman I knew. I left knowing you were being taken care of and Dr. Hottie said you would be okay and pull through the cancer. Two days later, I got a phone call saying your cancer was GONE! GONE GONE GONE! I was the happiest daughter there was! I bragged about it and kept telling everyone you were finally getting better! ..... It's funny how a few days changes everything. A few days after that phone call, I got another saying that your cancer had came back and pretty much attacked you. Carrie said you the family had to make a decision to put you on a ventilator. They decided to do it and you had a 50/50 chance of making it. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed like I've never prayed before that you would pull through. Well, the doctors decided it wasn't doing any good so they were going to take you off of it. You could come back or you could go. They said it could take 10 minutes, 2 hours, 2 days so they would see what would happen and someone would call me back if anything changed....... And exactly 10 minutes later, I got the absolute worst phone call anyone could receive. Jenny was on the other end of the phone and she said "Morgan, it happened very quick. She's gone but she's no longer in pain or suffering. I love you and I'm so sorry." She knew what I was going through because Mom Sarna had passed away not too long ago... Mommy, I couldn't believe you were gone and I still can't. My best friend was no longer here. I had no one to call 100 times a day, no one to get chocolate milkshakes with or fight over where we were going for lunch. Things will never be the same.

 It's been a couple of months, Mom, and I still can't get over the fact that I just can't pick up the phone and give you a call when I need to talk. There's days when I do nothing but cry because I would do anything just to hear your voice one more time.

So much has happened since you left.... Your new grand daughter is here now. You would LOVE her. She's everything I could imagine in a daughter... The best part, she's named after you. Mya Jean. She's absolutely perfect, just like her brother, and their Nana :) I will tell you about labor another day.. Both munchkins are finally awake and fussing from their naps. I remember when you used to call me every day when you got off work and wake me up from my nap... 1:02 on the dot, every single day.I miss your ringtone, I miss your caller ID, I miss your voice, I miss YOU. Until next time, I love you Momma. I hope you're having fun up there... Don't party too hard :P